It's just me...Depression and Grace

So, for some reason I feel compelled to talk about something that I've been through, and been going through for the past three years.  I hope that those of you that read this will do so with grace and open hearts, because its somewhat hard to be completely vulnerable about my struggles in this area.  I have struggled with postpartum depression, and it has been one of the scariest places I've ever been in my life. 

My oldest and middle child are 18 months apart, so when I had my second, I'm sure my hormones were out of control.  I felt great after having my first child, so I just assumed that everything would be great again.  Well, my mother-in-law passed away from cancer three weeks after Camden was born, which was tragic, chaotic, and really really sad.  So, in the midst of trying to comfort my husband, adapting to a new environment because we had just moved to a new city, dealing with an 18 month old, and reeling from a newborn who had so many stomach issues and was just a plain hard baby to deal with, I felt unglued.  I had never dealt with depression in my past, and didn't really know of any family members who had gone through it.  So, I just thought I would snap out of the whirlwind and chaos that was happening in my brain. 

I found myself screaming uncontrollably at my 18 month old for, well, being an 18 month old.  I would be angry at anything and everything.  I lived in a constant state of anger.  My poor husband tried and tried to help with anything he could around the house, or let me go and be by myself, but nothing really seemed to help.  But I would have, what I called, my "good" days and my "bad" days.  Slowly and steadily my bad days started to come more frequently.  I found myself at a crossroads when Camden was 7 months old and my thoughts were so dark that all I wanted to do was run away from life.  My thoughts were always so condemning and I thought my family deserved someone better....someone who would take care of them in the way they needed. 

Now, I'm a believer in Christ and have been since I was 14.  But, the Gospel that I know to be true was just not ringing truth in my clouded brain.  By the grace of God, a friend of mine from the church we were going to knew that I had been struggling and was completely vulnerable with me about how she had dealt with postpartum depression, too.  She basically told me everything that she had gone through, and the thoughts that she had.  Through this conversation, by God's grace, and talking with a doctor and counselor, Josh and I decided that I should try depression medication and see if it helped.  I'm not exaggerating in the least, but I felt like myself again seven hours after starting the medication.  For some reason, this medication worked well with my hormone craziness.  My analogy is that its like driving on a windy mountainous road through a very dense fog and then all of a sudden you get to an altitude where the fog is beneath you and you can see the bright blue sky above and the unbelievable view surrounding you.  I was able to hear the Gospel again and believe it in my soul, without all the self condemning thoughts that I had been having for the past seven months. 

Well, I was on medication for about a year, and got off of it when I was 21 weeks pregnant with Darby....the same week we moved to a brand new city.  Not smart, but that's what happened.  I got back on the medication when Darby was 5 weeks old, because I felt the darkness start filling my mind again, and felt myself withdrawing from life, and the uncontrollable anger coming back.  So, about 5 months ago, I got off my medication again to try a more wholistic approach with some natural supplements.  That went ok for awhile, but I felt the life draining from me again.  I just don't think it was enough for my crazy hormones.  It's so hard to describe, but it was like an everyday fight to try and be myself and fight off the scary thoughts that invaded my brain.  By the end of the day, I was completely exhausted from the emotional toll and struggle.  And then I would have to wake up and deal with it all over again.  So, about a month ago, through my husband guiding me in wisdom, I got back on medication....and I honestly feel like me again.  It sounds so weird, but I just feel good about life.

What I'm NOT saying is that medication has been my savior.  I really feel like the medication has been a means of God's grace and goodness because it has brought my hormones into balance and allows me to mentally grasp the reality of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  As my husband would say, it gives me a level playing field....can you tell he was an athlete:) 

I guess my whole reason in posting this is because I know the depths and darkness of the places where depression takes someone.  My hope is that someone out there who might read this one day will know that they are not alone in the lonely isolation that depression "seems" to take you.  Honestly, that desperation that I felt makes me long for Christ so much more.  I know that I have nothing to offer in and of myself, but Christ has been my Savior.  So, in humility, I type this post and hope that it might strike a chord with someone else out there....and that you will know the love of Christ and His everlasting hope in the darkness.